The Prophet as a Man-Maintaining Decency in Marital Relations

The Prophet (peace be upon him) married several wives in his last nine years of his life. As we have stated on several occasions, most of these marriages had political, legislative and social reasons. They were in no way motivated by any overflow of desire.
If we carefully examine the Prophet’s married life, we find that he had only one wife for nearly 30 years. He was first married to Lady Khadeejah who lived with him for 25 years as his only wife until she died.
He then married Lady Sawdah who was his only wife during the rest of his life in Makkah and for nearly a year, or a little over a year, after his emigration to Madinah. Lady Ayesha joined him as his third wife and the date of her marriage is differently reported as between 10 and 18 months after his arrival in Madinah. He then married others as and when circumstances dictated. His marriage to Lady Zaynab was ordered by God, as stated in the Qur’an, 33: 37. This was for a legislative purpose.


It is a condition for the permissibility of marrying more than one wife that the husband maintains absolute fairness in his treatment of his wives. He should provide for them on equal basis. He may love one more than the others, as this is beyond his control, but he cannot be more favorable to anyone in his treatment. They all have equal claims on him. The Prophet reflected such fairness in his treatment of his wives in a most exemplary way, even though he loved Ayesha best. He used to pray: “My Lord! Such is the way I share out what is within my power between them. Please do not hold me to account for what is beyond my power.”
The most important aspect in a man’s treatment of his wives is how he divides his time between them. He must treat them equally, spending with each the same number of nights as with everyone else. No one can have more nights, unless one of the others gifts her with a night of her own. This, however, has to be a gift made freely, without coercion. Otherwise, a man must always be attentive to his wives’ needs. The Prophet used to visit each one of his wives every afternoon, asking how she was and whether she needed anything. None had to stay until it was her turn before she could request his attendance to something she needed.

Needless to say, sex is an important part of marital life. On this aspect we have reports showing that the Prophet approached this aspect in the most decent way.

We have many reports that speak of his shyness in personal matters. However, when there was need to speak out for Islam or to defend it, his shyness played no part. He was most outspoken in such situations.
The Prophet provides guidance for all Muslims in all generations. In his life, he experienced most of the situations we all may experience. However, where it was needed to provide guidance on personal situations, the Prophet was exposed to a great variety of situations, so that his conduct would mark his guidance. For example, anyone may find himself physically attracted by a woman’s appearance or the way she bears herself. What to do in such a situation? Jabir reports: “The Prophet once saw a woman. He then went to his wife, Zaynab, and found her doing some dying. He had his business with her, then he came out and said to his companions: ‘A woman may come toward you or she moves away from you in the form of a Satan. Should anyone of you see a woman like that, let him go to his wife. This will surely relieve him.’” (Related by Ahmad and Muslim.)
What the Prophet refers to here is that a woman may be so attractive in the way she bears herself that a man may be full of desire. Thoughts may occur to him and he could be troubled with temptation. This is what Satan does when he tries to tempt a person to commit sin. It is the way a woman bears herself that is compared to the temptation Satan keeps trying with all of us.
The Prophet’s advice in such situations is to go to one’s wife and have sex with her. This will definitely remove all the temptation. The sexual desire is satisfied with one’s wife. In fact it is more gratifying when it is practiced within marriage, as it is cleaner and free of any thoughts of wrongdoing.
We note in the phraseology of this Hadith how the Prophet’s companion does not mention more than that the Prophet saw a woman. He does not speak about what the Prophet felt. It is merely hinted at by his statement that the Prophet went to his wife. Again, the Prophet’s advice is stated in a manner that observes a perfect standard of propriety. This is the natural standard in Islamic society. Nothing is forbidden to talk about, yet when we speak of the intimate matter of sex, we speak in a decent way, hinting rather than talking in vulgar language, but always making our meaning clear. This is how the Qur’an discusses such affairs and how the Prophet talked about them.
To give a clear example, the Prophet advises men to make a prelude to sexual intercourse so as to make it more pleasant to one’s wife. The Prophet said: “Let none of you approach his wife like a camel when he sits down. Let there be a messenger between them.” The Prophet was asked what sort of messenger he meant. He said: “Kisses and sweet words.” (Related by Al-Daylami.)