Saturday, August 25, 2007

21 F’s for a Happy Marriage ..Muhammad Ayub

1. Faith:
The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (SAW- peace and blessings be upon him) said, that even if a husband places a morsel of food in his wife's mouth, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
2. Forgiving:
When the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us then we must learn to forgive.
3. Forget:
When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
4. Forbearance:
Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a pro-active frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul (trust) and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah (chapter)al- Asr:
"Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr (patience)' (Quran, chapter 103).
5. Flexible:
Many couples un-necessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
6. Friendship:
This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Furthermore the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
7. Friendly:
Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.
8. Friends:
The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
9. Fun:
Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet (SAW) was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
10. Faithful:
It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences (trusts/promises) . This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
11. Fair:
Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
10. Finance:
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
11. Family:
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind.
12. Feelings:
Prophet Muhammad (SAW) stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
13. Freedom:
Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
14. Flirtation:
A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt (only) with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
15. Frank:
Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
16. Facilitator:
When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet (SAW) advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator (someone who makes things easy) for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.
17. Flattering:
Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
18. Fulfilling:
To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
19. Fallible:
It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible (not perfect/make mistakes) beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
20. Fondness:
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
21. Future:
Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.

1 comment:

Isa das said...

Muslim Hindu Christian Jewish Peace Plan
By William Glick
www.equalsouls.org (The Jewish Hindu Dialouge)
wlg@aol.com

The desire to bring peace to the world is most likely the inner
mood of most of us today. Todo that we need to come to a
common understanding of religious terminology and beliefs.

For example most of us have no idea that the name Allah comes
from the Hebrew letter Alef, our A, in the English alphabet.
This simple point contains enough information for every
Christian, Jew and Hindu to accept Allah as a name of God.

I will explain further, in the "Old Testament" which Jewish
people call the 5 books of Moses, God explains that He is the
beginning to the end. This same idea is expressed in the New
Testament. Revelation 22:13, I am the Alpha and the Omega,
the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. This
English usage of Alpha is based on the Hebrew Alef. Also in
the Hindu (Vedic) scripture, Bagavad Gita, Krishna says "of
letters I am A."

Has God sent so many messengers each with a different
message? Is He sitting in the Garden of Eden laughing at us?
I think not! We have twisted His message based on our own
material desire, creating our own Hell on Earth.

The objection we find from our Muslim brothers today comes
from the desire to bring the world back to God and His ways.
We find this mood in our Jewish-Christian tradition also.
Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of
knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

This lack of discipline, this foolish rush of insane
materialism is what every deeply religious person objects to,
no matter which faith he or she is coming from. We can take
good example from our Amish brothers and Hindu (Vedic) sages.

An error of modern society and religion is to identify the
body as the self. The Bhagavad-Gita clearly explains that we
should see and accept the spiritual essence (the soul) of
each living being as spiritually equal. There it is said,
"The humble sage, by virtue of true knowledge, sees with
equal vision a learned and gentle Brahman, a cow, an
elephant, a dog and a dog-eater [outcast]."
[Bagavad Gita 5.18]

How does the learned sage see every living entity with equal
vision? He sees the spirit soul within the heart of each of
God's creations. He understands that although living forms
may appear different, those appearances are only the external
coverings of the soul, and that spiritually we are all equal.

A careful analysis shows that all problems result from our
first mistake of identifying the body as the self. If we
identify ourselves by race, religion and ethnic group we will
then suffer or enjoy the results of that identity, but the
fact is we are spiritually equal and the bodily identity that
we accept is both temporary and insignificant compared to our
eternal spiritual identity. We suffer due to birth, disease,
old age and death; we need not identify with the body, which
is being afflicted by these difficulties.

If everyone understood and acted on the level of the soul
rather than the body, the world's problems would practically
cease. Understanding the difference between matter and
spirit, and that God is the controller of all things, is the
essence of knowledge.

It is natural that when we become overwhelmed by
difficulties, we become aware of our dependence on God.
Unfortunately, due to our deep attachment to materialism, we
are drawn to perceive religion in much the same manner, as we
perceive ordinary social activities. That is, we become
attached to identifying with the external or social side of
religion, while we forget its essence-loving service to God.

Our modern use of the word religion, expresses an external
alterable faith, while the Sanskrit word dharma, implies an
internal or essential eternal relationship with God. Our
religion or faith can change but the soul's relationship with
God is eternal. For example, I may claim that I am a
Christian today, but I may adopt the practices of a Hindu or
of a Jew tomorrow. However, whatever faith you my follow, the
essence of that faith is loving service to God.

We must understand that our Muslim brothers and sisters who
have come to understand the true message of Allah accept all
of us as children of God based on this verse from the Koran.
2.62: Surely those who believe, and those who are Jews, and
the Christians, and the Sabians, whoever believes in Allah
and the Last day and does good, they shall have their reward
from their Lord, and there is no fear for them, nor shall
they grieve.

We should also understand that as a nation, nay as a human
race if we do not come to follow God's laws and develop our
love for Him and His creation, our future is all too clear.

For Our Lord says: Isaiah 46: I make known the end from the
beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say:
My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.

Thank You and God's Blessings
William Glick (Isa das) www.equalsouls.org

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